What am I really fighting?

The depression lingered this week. It started to get better, and then something personal knocked me back down a few pegs. But still, I don’t feel like drinking. I wonder…perhaps the alcohol was a manifestation of a bigger problem: mental illness. Not that I’m not genetically prone to be a drinker, but that going to the drink was a result, rather than a causation, of my emotional state – depression. And that drinking soon became a causation as well. It became a vicious little circle.

Why am I saying this? With depression, I also try to fill the void, just in other ways now, other than readily handy wine. I love to read. Reading makes me happy. I’ve read 6 books in 2 weeks. Is this normal for someone with a full time job and two small children? I found podcasts. I listen to them all the time now. Most of them are about other people – talking about hot topics that are things I wish I could talk about. But I can’t put the headphones down…unless I am reading. Not normal. I have a hard time being around my family right now, idly. I can’t sit still. I can’t just listen to them. I’ve been very testy. I yell a lot. Even my sister, who I love so very much, called me the other day, to bitch about something, and I just couldn’t take it.

I’ve been taking my medication daily. It scares me to think, if things are heavy right now, what it’d be like without it.

I bought coloring books, and pencils. And drawing books, and watercolor. I used to love art and be good at it, during my teenage years. All was lost once I started college. Trivial things, in my untrained eyes. I’ve lost creativity. It’s creating a crack in my foundation. And now that I am feeling it, I desperately try to cling to it in my spare time. The problem is, I don’t really have spare time. Not with a demanding job, and a demanding young family (that I love, but can’t seem to handle right now).

This is brutally honest, and sounds very self-absorbed, and that makes me feel ashamed, and I’m sorry. I have come to the realization that maybe I really need some help. Like therapy. I never considered it. It always seemed somewhat like a luxury – something rich people do, that want to sound fancy. But nope, I think I need counseling of some kind. I can’t seem to keep a controlled measure on anything right now. Maybe I kept the bubble in the metaphorical level in the middle when I drank (or at least to my intoxicated eyes, it looked level). It made me too lazy to get up and do, and allowed me to sit with everyone. Even though I was numbed.

I love my children so much. I want to be a great mother and wife. I feel like most days I am a great mother and an ok wife (I need to be emotionally present, and I struggle with that). I want to do great at my job, and by most outside counts, I’m told that I do, even though my soul is not satisfied. But ultimately, I want to be the best me I can be, and maybe then, all of these things will be encompassed under that umbrella, and right now, I’m not there.

I think I am going to set an appointment with my doctor this week, and see if she can help me get help.


One thought on “What am I really fighting?

  1. Yes. See that doctor. Sometimes medications needs to be altered.
    I have had some deeper depression episodes sober. It is so scary.
    You are doing enough. It is not selfish.
    I know when I quit drinking ti became apparent mental illness was a huge factor. Knowing that helps me create a life that is supportive to me and my family.

    Hug. Take care of yourself.


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